Grief

Grief is bizarre. It makes you feel all mixed up inside.

I want to be happy. I want to stay joyful. I want to be a supporting and loving friend.

But I’m not. I know I have every reason to be happy. I have a partner that cares for me, friends that check on me and a family that supports me despite it all.

I am a blessed, fortunate and lucky girl.

My mind knows these things.

Inside I feel achy. Pieces are missing.

Shit just doesn’t add up. The sun is out but my brain is cloudy. I spend my down time trying to sort all this out in my mind.

I can’t figure out my feelings. Many days I’m sure I seem fine. I do things to keep my life moving. I smile. I dance along to music. I make jokes.

But I am hurting.

My friends text/call to talk about old times and I’m annoyed trying to conjure up memories. I yearn for reminiscing the good times but when the moment comes to take a walk down memory lane I am almost disgusted. They want to figure out how all this even happened and I don’t even want to talk. I actually want to talk so badly but the mental capacity it takes to handle it all just isn’t available. I block it all out. I am emotionless. Numb. In disbelief.

I don’t think I’m dealing with grief very well. I actually don’t think I’m dealing with it at all.

I get irritable, aggravated, my emotions are misplaced. I find myself asking “what’s the point of all this?!?” Even on my very best days I think “How can I be happy when my friends are gone? Am I selfish?! Would Will want me to at least be a little more sad?!? God, I could at least show it. That’s the least I can do. Shelby probably thinks I forgot her. I bet people think I’m a terrible friend just going on about my life. I’m probably the worst friend ever. Why me?”

Freaking pity party. On the outside I was just having a decent conversation about my bright future that lies ahead. My mind is busy. I really need rest.

I’ve spent the last year acting like it never happened. That the phone will ring and the really bad joke will be over. I have nothing to say about it. I don’t even give into my feelings toward it.. not that I don’t care about Will but because I care so much about myself that I just don’t want to be hurt by it.

When I was younger and we all lost Shelby, I took that so hard. I took it so hard that I’ve vowed to never lose anymore of my life to grief. So I’m doing the exact opposite and not addressing it at all. I don’t think it’s helping.

I’ve had people come to me over their own loss and ask me for tips on how deal with it.

Me?!? People ask me how to handle their losses? Why? I am so terrible at this. I give perfect advice regardless. Perfect words for each person. The advice that I get sometimes but can never internalize. It’s all pointless.

There’s no guide for this.

It’s just a mess.

I feel like a bad friend. My friends come to me for comfort and I just feel like an asshole. I can’t give them what they need even when I want to and that kills me. To my friends, I am truly sorry.

There’s something to say about young people losing their life and there is even more to be said about young people taking their own life. It should just never be. We are all left with so many questions and a lifetime to wait for the answers. Should we even be looking for answers? I’m not even sure. Should we shoot for acceptance? How the hell do you do that??

I am looking forward to talking with God so he can tell me just exactly what this was all for. In the meantime, I am praying for some peace. I am so tired of these mixed emotions.

I did not write this for sympathy. I don’t feel like I need that at all. I need some connection. Someone, please tell me I am not alone and I’m not crazy.

Because deep down, I just want to be happy and even further down, I truly miss my friend.