Grief is bizarre. It makes you feel all mixed up inside.

I want to be happy. I want to stay joyful. I want to be a supporting and loving friend.

But I’m not. I know I have every reason to be happy. I have a partner that cares for me, friends that check on me and a family that supports me despite it all.

I am a blessed, fortunate and lucky girl.

My mind knows these things.

Inside I feel achy. Pieces are missing.

Shit just doesn’t add up. The sun is out but my brain is cloudy. I spend my down time trying to sort all this out in my mind.

I can’t figure out my feelings. Many days I’m sure I seem fine. I do things to keep my life moving. I smile. I dance along to music. I make jokes.

But I am hurting.

My friends text/call to talk about old times and I’m annoyed trying to conjure up memories. I yearn for reminiscing the good times but when the moment comes to take a walk down memory lane I am almost disgusted. They want to figure out how all this even happened and I don’t even want to talk. I actually want to talk so badly but the mental capacity it takes to handle it all just isn’t available. I block it all out. I am emotionless. Numb. In disbelief.

I don’t think I’m dealing with grief very well. I actually don’t think I’m dealing with it at all.

I get irritable, aggravated, my emotions are misplaced. I find myself asking “what’s the point of all this?!?” Even on my very best days I think “How can I be happy when my friends are gone? Am I selfish?! Would Will want me to at least be a little more sad?!? God, I could at least show it. That’s the least I can do. Shelby probably thinks I forgot her. I bet people think I’m a terrible friend just going on about my life. I’m probably the worst friend ever. Why me?”

Freaking pity party. On the outside I was just having a decent conversation about my bright future that lies ahead. My mind is busy. I really need rest.

I’ve spent the last year acting like it never happened. That the phone will ring and the really bad joke will be over. I have nothing to say about it. I don’t even give into my feelings toward it.. not that I don’t care about Will but because I care so much about myself that I just don’t want to be hurt by it.

When I was younger and we all lost Shelby, I took that so hard. I took it so hard that I’ve vowed to never lose anymore of my life to grief. So I’m doing the exact opposite and not addressing it at all. I don’t think it’s helping.

I’ve had people come to me over their own loss and ask me for tips on how deal with it.

Me?!? People ask me how to handle their losses? Why? I am so terrible at this. I give perfect advice regardless. Perfect words for each person. The advice that I get sometimes but can never internalize. It’s all pointless.

There’s no guide for this.

It’s just a mess.

I feel like a bad friend. My friends come to me for comfort and I just feel like an asshole. I can’t give them what they need even when I want to and that kills me. To my friends, I am truly sorry.

There’s something to say about young people losing their life and there is even more to be said about young people taking their own life. It should just never be. We are all left with so many questions and a lifetime to wait for the answers. Should we even be looking for answers? I’m not even sure. Should we shoot for acceptance? How the hell do you do that??

I am looking forward to talking with God so he can tell me just exactly what this was all for. In the meantime, I am praying for some peace. I am so tired of these mixed emotions.

I did not write this for sympathy. I don’t feel like I need that at all. I need some connection. Someone, please tell me I am not alone and I’m not crazy.

Because deep down, I just want to be happy and even further down, I truly miss my friend.


If you have seen the Incredibles 2 then this next quote will sound familiar.

By far one of the most gut-wrenching quotes ever to be heard on a Disney movie.

“Don’t bother watching the rest.

Elastigirl doesn’t save the day; she only postpones her defeat.

And while she postpones her defeat, you eat chips and watch her invert problems that you are too lazy to deal with.

Superheroes are part of a brainless desire to replace true desire with simulation.

You don’t talk, you watch talk shows.

You don’t play games, you watch game shows.

Travel, relationships, risk; every meaningful experience must be packaged and delivered to you to watch at a distance so that you can remain ever-sheltered, ever-passive, ever-ravenous consumers who can’t free themselves to rise from their couches to break a sweat, never anticipate new life.

You want superheroes to protect you, and make yourselves ever more powerless in the process.

Well, you tell yourselves you’re being “looked after”. That you’re inches from being served and your rights are being upheld.

So that the system can keep stealing from you, smiling at you all the while.

Go ahead, send your supers to stop me.

Grab your snacks, watch your screens, and see what happens.

You are no longer in control.

I am.”




Moodiez is more than just skin care, it’s an experience.

This business was designed to give you a sense of relief in your everyday life.

We hope that our products can bring you fulfillment and peace when you need it the most. You have accomplished so much and you deserve to have these small moments of self care to get you through.

Moodiez can be your safe haven after coming home from a long day when you just need a minute to yourself… and we can also be a way to spend quality time with your loved ones.

Life can get crazy at times. It is important to slow down and take in the simple moments.

Throw on a face mask, look at yourself in the mirror and say this out loud : “I GOT THIS.”


Sharing Knowledge about CBD Topicals

My desire to learn more about CBD and other cannabinoid compounds has grown exponentially in the last few years and I have found the benefits of cannabis far outweigh the skepticism of the general population.

My passion has grown so much that I have started developing my very own line of CBD infused bath & beauty products and I think these products could benefit my loved ones tremendously. I recognize that many people are still unaware of all the benefits that cannabis can bring to the table so I wanted to take a few minutes to explain from a topical perspective.

The talk of CBD is practically new in the mainstream media and the attention that it has been getting lately has really rocked my world, and for good reason! Americans are steady pushing to end the prohibition of marijuana, so much so, that even THC’s little cousin CBD has jumped into the spotlight. Since more and more people are discovering the healing properties of CBD, it is showing up in everything from bath bombs to hair treatments and everything in between. Due to the over saturated CBD market which has drastically increased in the last 3 years, it is easy to get confused on which products are legitimate and which ones will leave you confused.

Don’t you worry! In this article, I am going to give you everything you need to know about the world of CBD topicals. Whether you have been using CBD for years or diving in to the world of cannabis treatment for the first time, this guide will help you become the CBD wiz of your group of friends.

What is a Topical?

“Topical” is a word that means balm, lotion, cream, salve, oil or any other substance that is applied directly to the body with the intention of treating a specific area. These substances always have some sort of medicinal element to them like in this case, CBD.

There isn’t much difference in a cream or body oil, lotion or salve. These products all have the same job description: to allow the most absorption possible to gain the desired effects of a CBD treatment. In fact, aside from in unique marketing, the words “salve,” “balm,” and “ointment” are virtually the same word with little to no real distinction.

There will however; always be differences in the consistency and viscosity of each substance and that will make a difference in how our skin absorbs the CBD. Lotions and creams tend to have a higher concentration of water which allows them to spread over the skin easier and are more quickly absorbed. Balms, salves and ointments, on the other hand, tend to have a higher concentration of oil, which stays on the skin longer so that the CBD absorbs more slowly over time.

The topical you choose will largely depend on what you want to use it for.

Note: If you are using a CBD topical for a specific medical condition, it is always a great idea to talk with your doctor about the delivery method that best suits your needs. Otherwise, follow your gut and your own personal preference for what feels best on your skin.

So, How Does CBD Work?

Before we can understand topicals, we must first understand how CBD works. Lets get started!

Basically, every living thing with a spine has receptors all throughout its body that interact with chemicals called “cannabinoids.” These chemicals are naturally produced by the animal itself. Yes, it is safe to say that your body is producing cannabinoids all by itself at this very moment.

These receptors form a unique network solely for the process of producing and interacting with cannabinoids in the body. This process is called the “endocannabinoid system” (ECS), and is responsible for the regulation of pain, appetite, mood, memory, and the immune system. In short, the ECS helps the body maintain some of its most basic and important functions. Who knew?!?!

Think of it this way: just like a bird knows to eat seeds, a horse knows to eat hay and a tiger knows to eat meat… it is no wonder that we found our self on the topic of cannabis application!

An even more amazing fact is that we have found cannabinoids which are naturally produced in plants that can interact with our own ECS and help it do its job. We call these plant-based chemicals “phytocannabinoids.” They work as vitamins for your ECS.

When we apply CBD directly to the skin using a topical, it absorbs through the skin and binds with the cannabinoid receptors near the location of your ailment. Depending on there you apply the topical, it will bind to the receptor that is closest to the application spot.

Will topical CBD get me high?

No, and there are two main reasons why it won’t:

First, CBD is NOT psychoactive the way that its rambunctious cannabinoid cousin THC is, meaning it won’t give you a feeling of being “high.”

Second, even if there are trace amounts of THC in your topical (which is common and is always under .3%,) like I said before, topicals rubbed into the skin don’t make it all the way down to the bloodstream. The best CBD products will have a little THC because the THC binds with the CBD and increases the potency of the healing effects up to 60%! Think of it this way: have you ever used a skin lotion that contains alcohol (check your ingredients, I bet you have!) or sanitized your skin with rubbing alcohol? Did you get drunk? I’m guessing not.

Can I use too much?

Studies keep showing that CBD is 100% safe and has no known level of toxicity, making it virtually impossible to overdose. The amount of CBD absorbed through topical application is relatively low, so you should feel confident in using as much topical CBD as you like.  Either way, you should always start any new skin care routine by using a small amount on a test patch of skin to make sure there are no adverse effects. Start small and work your way up. Plus, you could have a reaction to one of the other, non-CBD ingredients, so be sure to take your time.

How to use Topical CBD

I want to keep it real, when I see claims that another brands CBD products can cure everything under the sun from cancer to hair loss … I start looking for the words “unicorn potion” written somewhere on the bottle. I want to be clear that CBD is not a magical substance that will fix anything and everything that’s wrong with you. These implications are faulty and unethical. I don’t want to leave anyone feeling tricked or mislead. However, CBD does seem to have some life-changing effects, and even though scientists are still learning, there is more than enough reason to assume this is just the beginning of wonderful things for people and CBD.

Here are a few things that CBD is known to treat:

Pain management


We have all felt the effects of our bodies getting banged up and dinged. Our bodies are like our vehicles. Could you imagine what a car would look like after being constantly driven around for 80 years? We undoubtedly feel this wear and tear from time to time. Then we add being a parent, working a day job and playing recreational sports to the mix and we have a space for CBD to act aka: serious aches and pains. Luckily for us all, this is a safe haven for CBD to come into our lives and treat our pain without worrisome addiction fears.

Since we now know about the Endocannabinoid System and how it helps regulate pain, there are two ways it helps to achieve this. Firstly, the endocannabinoids in your body naturally helps regulate the sensations of pain that you feel, and CBD elevates the number of pain-fighting cannabinoids in your system.

Second, a lot of pain is the result of inflammation, and CBD is a proven anti-inflammatory. In fact, recent studies have shown that topical CBD is effective at reducing pain caused by inflammation in animals! This is particularly good news for those suffering from inflammatory conditions like arthritis and those with acute soreness caused by tissue damage during exercise.

Although more research needs to be done, I’ve seen enough research on topical CBD to feel confident in saying that everyone should keep an open mind about using CBD to treat:

  • Arthritis
  • Multiple sclerosis
  • Chronic, localized pain
  • General joint pain
  • Muscle soreness


Skin conditions

It is easy to see why so many companies are turning to CBD to spice up their product line. Since CBD has such strong anti-inflammatory properties, absorbing it directly into the site of the inflammation is a no brainer. Not only that, but you can pack the CBD in a salve or lotion that carries other (hopefully natural) ingredients with tons of skin-healing properties.

The coolest part is that some researchers found that CBD can help treat acne! When CBD is absorbed into the skin it tends to inhibit lipid synthesis which limits the amount of sebum (oils) that your skin produces. In other words, it prevents your skin from overproducing the oils that clog your pores and generate break outs. How neat!

Again, scientific research is just beginning, but CBD looks like a great way to treat the body’s largest organ. Here are some of the skin conditions that CBD might help:

  • Acne
  • Red, puffy, or inflamed skin
  • Psoriasis
  • Eczema
  • Flaky and patchy skin
  • Rashes


Although these could be described as “skin conditions,” it felt worthy enough for its own portion in this article. Researchers have shown that CBD has strong antibiotic and anti-microbial properties. Combine that with its anti-inflammatory abilities and you have a perfect solution for fighting infections of the skin. Researchers are even turning toward CBD as a way of potentially fighting drug-resistant bacteria like those that cause staph infections.

But in general, topical CBD might be a good way of treating:

  • Bug bites
  • Bacterial infections (MRSA)
  • Burns
  • Cuts and scrapes
  • General skin infections


The ECS is the system responsible for the euphoric feeling called “runner’s high” that a lot of people experience during and after physical exercise. So, it’s no surprise that early research is showing that CBD might be effective in fighting anxiety, depression, and other sorts of mood regulation.

This goes for CBD that has been ingested, not CBD that is applied topically. Many companies are putting CBD in products like head ache oils and bath bombs claiming to induce relaxation. This is a stretch for me. Remember, topical CBD does not enter the bloodstream, so it has little chance of getting to the receptors in the brain that would largely be responsible for shifts in mood.

Many continue to report finding some success with topical CBD as a way to relax after a long day. I always find a hot bath/muscle rub to be very relaxing therefore, these claims could be from the other ingredients in the product, from aromatherapy, or the good ol’ placebo effect. Like I said in the beginning, I am here to be real with you all so be careful which companies you trust as many can unintentionally be making false claims.


CBD is a compound that we are only beginning to better understand, and the early signs are very promising. Given what we know about CBD and how it interacts with our bodies, applying it topically makes perfect sense and has some solid early research to back it up. The thing I love the most about CBD is that all signs lead to it being a safe alternative to other potentially dangerous or side-effect ridden treatments. I look forward to what future researchers discover, and I encourage you to give it a try for yourself!

For those of you who have already taken the plunge into topical CBD, what have your experiences been? I invite you to share your stories and results, good or bad! Send me a message! While the researchers slowly begin to give us the information we need, let’s get a conversation going and help each other through this new and exciting frontier!

A Costly Price


The time has come to evaluate the number of single-use cups, bottles, containers, cutlery and other plastic waste that gets thrown away daily. We are living in the age of a plastic wasteland and the time is now to start acting and making changes to rejuvenate the Earth for future generations. The organization Environment Oregon has led the way in making necessary these changes!

Consider this: one of the most toxic forms of plastic pollution is polystyrene foam (we call it Styrofoam). This pollutant never fully degrades! What a mess! Can you imagine how much Styrofoam has blanketed our oceans and rivers over the past 2 centuries alone?

We typically see polystyrene in take-out packaging and appliance packaging. It is that annoying piece of junk in the box that we look at one time and then try to remove from our sight as quickly as possible. It is a pesky piece of material that can easily be replaced with the right preparation. Styrofoam is a design flaw! There should be nothing we use for a few minutes that can pollute our beautiful planet for centuries. That’s why The Environment Oregon Organization is calling on state leaders to ban take-out foam cups and containers!

Removing these foam cups and containers is one small step for the change we need to heal the environment. This ban is essential in cleaning our land and oceans!

Polystyrene foam breaks apart so easily that it persists in the environment in very tiny particles. Every single tiny piece that has ever been made is still out there and could continue to threaten wildlife for hundreds of years to come! This is a costly mistake.

Birds, fish and turtles, can mistake a small piece of plastic for food so easily—especially when there are millions of pieces of plastic floating in our rivers and inevitably our oceans!

Scientists have found plastic fragments in literally hundreds of species, including 86% of all sea turtle species, 44% of all seabird species, and 43% of all marine mammal species.

Animals have their lives threatened by these tiny plastic pollutants as ingesting these fragments can often be fatal. Frequent plastic ingestion can cause animals to starve because the small particles block their digestive tracts and in turn, they starve. Not to mention, they are also unable to digest the plastic all together! Toxic chemicals in plastic not only harms animals’ health but can also harm humans as well because the plastic that animals’ intake often makes its way up the food chain and can end up our bellies!

Scientists are still documenting the scope of plastic pollution and investigating its effects. Although we have known for decades that the worst forms of plastic pollution is polystyrene foam, we still chose to use it with foam cups and take-out containers. You can get involved and help make a change to this packaging standard starting today!

The Environment Oregon Organization is calling on more than 25 states to ban take-out foam cups and containers and moving beyond plastic pollution!

By default, there are major players in the plastic industry that are not a fan of this idea! In fact, their opposition helped block a bill in banning plastic foam containers in California, but they won’t let that stop them! With persistence and perseverance, we can fight the good fight!

Regardless, across the country these plastic foam bans have passed in over 200 cities and other communities from Portland, Oregon all the way to Portland, Maine. There are also a few high-profile companies that are also jumping on board including McDonalds! By the end of this year, McDonald’s will phase out foam cups and containers worldwide, in favor of 100% recycled materials. That is noteworthy change and something to be very proud of!

The Environment Oregon Organization is ready to take these efforts to the next level, but they are going to need all the help and support they can get! has a national network that has won similar efforts to reduce waste and plastic pollution. They have been at the head of the statewide pro-recycling laws and been actively involved in the first statewide plastic bag ban in California. They know how to combine professional research and advocacy with local community support to get lasting results.

Now it’s time to make single-use plastic foam a thing of the past!

You can act now by signing the petition at!

The petition is a note to the governor urging them to support the ban on foam cups and boxes made of polystyrene to reduce pollution in our waters and protect wildlife.

Signing this petition will take us beyond plastic foam and that is something we can do right now!

If we win, not only will we see much cleaner beaches and recreation parks, but we will have peace of mind in knowing it is making a difference to the wildlife, our rivers, lakes and oceans.

We can start l this movement of choosing wildlife over waste, animals over convenience and earth over plastic!

Tell our governor and lawmakers to ban plastic foam take-out cups and containers, by visiting to sign today!

By: Payton Wood

Finding happiness in service

Have you ever done something nice for someone and felt like a million bucks after?

Have you ever offered advice to a friend and they took it just to thank you later and rock your world?

That feels good doesn’t it?

I have always found joy in helping others but I have never found a way to apply in on a larger scale until now.

I’m mentoring young girls who want to be business owners. I have never been so fulfilled in my life. I get butterflies in my heart when I see these girls working hard and posting their businesses online. I love to listen to their ideas and bask in their creativity.

I am trying to be who I always needed when I was younger.

This job makes me no money but it makes me the happiest I have ever been.

I have never gotten time opportunity to do what I truly love until now.

It feels so good.

Two Dislocated Kneecaps

Have you ever heard of such ridiculous injury?

I mean, come on.. who does that?

Me. I guess I do that.

I’m not gonna say names but JORDAN blew my kneecaps out. Thanks Jordan.

Picture this: Its gym class. We’re playing volleyball. I could care less. Girl spikes the ball about 8 ft away from me. It hits the floor and explodes into my legs, sending my kneecaps soaring all whichaways at a high rate of speed.

Next thing you know I’m on the ground. My legs are locked at a 90 degree angle. I see two base ball sized knots on the side of where my knees should be and I’m PISSED. Oh my god. I can’t find my knees not was flat up top. Oh no… those knots are my kneecaps. They are supposed to be on top but they some how got blasted to the sides of my legs. Okay ow.

That’s when the screaming and panicking started. MY KNEEESSSSS!!! Everyone was looking at me like I was a freaking alien. The looks on their faces read: why are you are the ground? No one seemed to notice that my knee caps were no longer doing their job as kneecaps. So I have to tell them: MY KNEEES, MY KNEEES!!! I’m stuck!!! I couldn’t move. My legs were stuck and bent and I was in terrible pain, okay. This was not a drill. The gym was evacuated, my sister was called to the gym. She’s crying. I’m crying. It was a mess. Then I see my mom and my grandparents. Everyone was disgusted and panicked. It was a shit show.

They gave me 9 doses of morphine on the way to the hospital. Due to the fact that my kneecaps were on the sides of my legs, I STILL FELT EVERYTHING. Every little bump we hit and every turn we made. I was screaming. The morphine would hit my system and it made me feel like a raccoon. Please don’t ask me why I felt that way but I was 16 and had never been on hard drugs alright. It was a new sensation.

I get the to the hospital and at this point I am very agitated. The slew of doctors rush in and I’m telling the one doctor “Look you’re gonna have to knock me out okay” I begged him to please hit me in the head with a 2×4 to make this more bearable for all of us. And he tells me to calm down. This freaking guy grabs a mallet and knocks my knee caps back in place in a millisecond! The audacity of this guy. I mean I was thinking full blown surgery over here and he cracks down on my knees like his life depended on it. It took 45 seconds to get my knees back in line. I was wondering why I had to ride all the way to the hospital looking like a bent-out-of-shape clothes hanger. Couldn’t they have just done that while I was on the gym floor? Whatever.

My legs went flat. My knees were back in their proper location and I had a huge sigh of relief. Then the laughing started. All I could do was laugh. Are you kidding me??? Wtf just happened???? My knees just got blown out??? Could have been the drugs too. I was a funky monkey got a little when. Until I had to try to get in a wheelchair. Couldn’t bend to sit. Couldn’t bend to get in the car. Couldn’t get up the steps to my house. Okay this isn’t fun.

When I was in pain on the floor of the gym and had a girl holding up my legs for support I remember one of my first thoughts was “God hates me.” I just remember thinking “how could God let this happen to me??” He hates me. I had a pretty rocky childhood but this was next level shit. My kneecaps were in jeopardy now. Not cool, God.

My track career was over before it even began.

When my knees got put back in place. The sense of doom washed over me. I couldn’t bend my legs now. They were stuck straight. I had torn the muscle and tissue around both of my knees. I had fluid in them and that shit HURT. This was right before summer. My first summer with a license. I had cool friends and now I can’t hang out with anyone. Why me God? I was ready to have a great summer and it all got thrown out the window. That’s what I thought at the time.

I lived with my sweet grandparents. My room was in the basement. I couldn’t use the stairs. My room was on the upstairs couch for the next 3 months. I had to wear a bathing suit when bathing so my dad could lift me out of the tub. I couldn’t step in and out. I couldn’t stand long enough to take a shower. I had this huge jacked up seat thing that I put on the toilet because I couldn’t bend to sit properly. I like fell into the toilet. Embarrassing.

It was a nightmare really. I had never used crutches and quickly found out that they were not my friend. Because both of my legs were stuck straight. I couldn’t hop with one legs like I had seen most people do. I was a straight legged cripple. I couldn’t get in an out of cars. It was awkward af. I was tired. I was out of breath. My armpits hurt.

This was no fun.

Miraculously, I healed quickly. I had physical therapy several times a week over the course of 3 months and my knee braces helped me get around. I took all my exams on a couch at school because I couldn’t sit in a desk. That was kind of cool.

I was very scared to hurt myself again. When you have a traumatic injury like that you realize how vulnerable your body is to the outside world. I had broken my arm before but I could still walk. This injury really put me on my ass. Literally.

It took me a long time to cross my legs again. I think it was two solid years before I could sit Indian style. I relied on my knee braces for a very long time.

That was 10 years ago. I still get worried from time to time that I’ll hurt them again in the gym or hiking. I keep my knee braces with me just incase.

I’ll be at the gym and I’ll feela little pain around my knees and I’ll pray to God. “Lord, please. Not again.”

Having two dislocated knees taught me a lot. I learned to be thankful for my health. I learned to be more cautious and pay attention to my surroundings.

I think getting hurt like that has played a major role in my need for adventure.

It’s not just YOLO for me. It’s “Let’s have fun right now because tomorrow you could get your kneecaps blown out”

Kneecaps. That’s what they called me after that.

It’s who I am.

Dreams of Being a Shitty Waitress…

Well I need to start by saying that I haven’t had the privilege of waiting tables in almost 3 years. I truly miss it. I waited tables for 5 years.

Serving wasn’t a job that I took out of necessity. I worked as a waitress because I enjoyed it! There are a number of things about being a restaurant worker that I think are really cool.

I love the fast paced environment.

I love the chaos and the changing atmospheres.

I love interacting with the public and analyzing people from all walks of life.

I love the quick thinking, creative problem solving and at times, I find twisted humor in the ass-kissing.

You can’t forget all the food either. Damn I was a fatty mcfattypants some days.

It’s a chaotic adventure. Totally my style.

One of my favorite things as a waitress was studying relationships. Believe it or not, waitresses hold all the knowledge as to whether or not a relationship will last. They have seen two people come together over a meal thousands of times and your waitress will always be able to sense how crappy or valued your partnership is within the first 5 minutes.. it’s a psychological thing. You’ve seen something so many times that you just KNOW. It’s like a 6th sense. “I can smell that relationship ending from here.” Waitresses have that in their skill set.

Servers are around for your celebrations, they see you at your rudest and most ruthless self when you’re hangry, they see the women happy dance after that first bite of food. They see husbands cheat, wives have one too many cocktails and shitty parents neglecting to teach their kids common decency.

Waitresses see it all. I really love that.

Still to this day, I can walk into a poppin’ restaurant on a busy Friday night and critique everything that’s going wrong in the hustle and bustle down to a science. I can feel the vibe and just know if I’m going to get good service or not.

Waitressing taught me a lot about myself and even more about those around me. I have learned so much and for that I am forever grateful.

To stay on topic, I was a fun waitress. I really believe that. I was all smiles, I was thriving, having a grand ol time. Now to say I was the best waitress in the world would be a flat out lie. Some nights I stunk up the entire restaurant with my bullshit. I would come in stoned and just mess shit up, honestly. I’m forgetful. I’ve lost orders, rang in the wrong things and totally forgot people were even in my section BUT I had a great time. Lmao

People at my old job still tell me they call it “Pulling a Payt” when someone forgets to ring in an order or when someone rings something up wrong. How flattering.

Needless to say, I kept it interesting and my bosses always loved me regardless.

So here’s where my point begins. (Finally right?)

What I fail to understand is why I’m 3 years postpartum from serving and I still have nightmares about getting cussed out by my tables and pissing off my old bosses?!?!?!!

I swear, once a week I’ll wake up from a dream where I’m forgetting people in my section, getting dirty looks from customers, having my butt crack show when I bend down, doing everything wrong or never being able to go fast enough and the worst one of all.. disappointing my old managers and having them tell me that I suck. Straight up. In my dreams old managers will look me dead in my face and say to me: WHY ARE YOU HERE? GO HOME. YOU’RE A SHITTY WAITRESS.

WHY AM I HERE?!?!? Idk man, I’m just trying to sleep over here. Why do you have me on the schedule when I’m trying to rest??? Wtf is going on??

It’s dramatic af.

There are days where I’ll look in the mirror after a ratchet restaurant dream and all I can see is the .18 cent tip on that 68.00 bill and think to myself “this is who I am now.”

Maybe my dreams are keeping me on my toes. Maybe it’s my anxiety trying to rule me even when I’m unconscious by remaking and replaying every sick and twisted way I have ever messed up at my job.

Is this what PTSD feels like? Please don’t be offended at that. I am painstakingly aware that PTSD is very real and extremely serious for many people but something about my night terrors reminds me that this could very well be a mild form.

Waitressing was traumatic af for me at times. I would cry. I would get donkey kong PISSED (and I don’t even know what that means) I would be so hard on myself.

I’d forget the damn ranch for crying out loud.

It was tough.

I really went through it. Some days I would work a double 12 hours straight and make $60 all day and others I would make that in the first 30min. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster.

You get a shitty tip and wonder if your perfect service wasn’t good enough or if they thought you were ugly and talked shit about you behind your back.

Ah, the many things I would lay in bed and wonder after a long day of interacting with random strangers….

and so now look at me….


3 years later. I repeat. 3 years later. I am still experiencing traumatic waitressing scenarios while I’m knocked out!!!

In conclusion:

Tip your damn waitresses people!!! You never know what others are going through or how long your behaviors can haunt them. Always be kind and generous.

And servers, don’t be a shitty waitress like me or you’ll have nightmares for 3 years.

Thanks for turning in!

I’ll be back on my BS at a later date.

Vegan Wannabe

Damn, I just want to let it be known.

I admire the vegan lifestyle so much. I see the color fruits and vegetables and it makes my mouth water.

I save 100s of posts. I make the recipes. I obsessed over vegan pages in general.

I am so down to be vegan

So where wtf is my commitment at? Lol

If you look on my IG, you will find nothing but vegan food pages. Lol

I am very well aware of the disgusting treatment in dairy/chicken/pig farms.

I know meat and cheese causes cancer.

I know the risk I put my health in when I keep my body in an acidic state.

I know how to put it in an alkaline state. I know this down to a science. I detox at least once a month from all the crap I eat.

I just have no discipline and no self control.

I feel like it’s some what excusable if you really don’t know the dangers of meat and cheese but I do know and yet here I am staring at steaks at the butcher shop. Smh

Even the keto diet blows my mind. I know it works for a lot of people but dang, how can you put all that acidic shit in your body like that? I would never be able to do keto. No freakin way. I’m too woke for that crap.

I have made a recent change to put the meat on the side of my plate. You know in the typical picture of someone’s food there is the slice of meat that takes up half the plate, then the starches, then the veggies. Well I’ve moved the meat to make it equal with all the rest. I know that’s not a major change but there is something about not letting it control half my plate that really makes me feel accomplished.

Sometimes I feel so animal like. I just need the meat.

Someone help me change. I want to do better.